GAME OF THRONES BY SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER SEEN IT

Yesterday saw the release of the final episode of the world’s most popular television show: Game of Thrones.

Based on the book series by George R.R. Martin, since airing in 2011 the show has won two hundred and thirty nine major awards; is the second most successful show in Emmy Awards history after Saturday Night Live with thirty eight wins and a hundred and twenty eight nominations; had17.4 million viewers tune in for it’s eighth, and final season premiere and has skyrocketed all of it’s stars to worldwide fame.

And I have never seen an episode.

So, to celebrate this momentous ending, here is everything I know about Game of Thrones, as someone who has never watched it. 

Enjoy. 

the basics:

• Dragons

• Iron Throne

• Violence

• Cool hairstyles

a baby dragon & Danyesrs

characters:

• Danyeres Targaryen (Khaleesi)

• Jon Snow

• Sansa Stark

• Ayra Stark

• Is there actually someone called Bran? Like Bran Flakes? 

• Khal Drogo

• Cersai 

• What was Jack Gleeson’s character’s name? He was a real bad guy – Joffrey! 

• Natalie Dormer was Margery someone???

• Danyrs’s maid whose name begins with an… M, I want to say?

• Oh also Lily’s Allen’s brother Alfie is in it

• There is someone called the mountain (???)

• And someone named Hodor and they didn’t hold the door(???)

• Do the dragons have names 

these are the Starks – like Iron Man

plot points:

• Everyone always dies

• Lots of women get raped

• Dany & Drogo were married and he called her his moon or something? I guess he died

• Winter is coming

• Loads of characters have never met

• Bend the knee (???)

• There was a red wedding and it was not very nice 

• Jon Snow died but he came back

• There was a shame bell and Lena Heady was naked

• The white walkers are the bad guys

• Jon Snow and Danyres are aunt and nephew but they fucked????????

• There was a coffee cup in shot

• Ayra had sex

• Battle of Winterfell???

• They rang the bell

• Someone got the Iron Throne in the end I guess

Sean Bean was big at the start but I don’t think he’s in it anymore

It’s telling how little I know about this show that I am genuinely impressed that I got all of the above.

Be real with me – is it worth watching Game of Thrones? There are just so many episodes, and they’re all so long! Plus, I don’t know how much rape I can handle (I think that’s been the biggest reason I’ve avoided it).

There was been a lot of outcry on this final season in particular, with a petition even being signed by over half a million fans demanding a remake with “competent writers”. Do I really want to commit to it if I know it’s got a crappy ending? I did watch Dexter…

GOT fans, forgive me for my ignorance. I’m glad you love the show, and that it has been so monumental in this generation.

Has winter finally come now?