Is it just me, or is the world kind of terrible right now?

I could write about any one of the innumerable stories currently circulating on world news as it etches itself into history; but where’s the fun in that?

I’m going to rank every single Buffy character by how likely I’d date them.

For the purposes of this ranking I am only including named, human (or human looking) characters.  Sorry Clem – you’d be my number one otherwise. To save this list being a mile long, I’m also only including characters who are in at least two episodes; and I am obviously not including anyone who has yet to hit puberty.

This is a healthy, productive use of my time in this current climate.

Disclaimer one: Obvious spoiler alert for any and all 144 Buffy episodes.

Disclaimer two: Look. This ranking is NOT perfect. But I’ve been writing this for months and my mind is falling apart at the genuine stress of deciding who to date over who, and while Buffy is my everything (and has been so since the age of four), it’s just stupid to add this very real pain to my load with the way things are right now.

Fight me in the comments, I’m just as disappointed in myself as you are.

67. Hank Summers
Coming in at dead last is Buffy’s father – because I don’t have time for deadbeat dads on fivethreeninety. And that’s all I’ll say on the matter: NEXT.

66. Warren
The scariest thing about this entitled predator is that he’s the realest character in the whole show, and if I were Willow I would have flayed him alive bit by bit for days, and enjoyed every goddamn second of it.

65. Adam
Let’s brush over the fact that Adam is scraping by my “human looking” criteria by the skin of his undead teeth, and judge him by his philosophical-ism and existentialism which, frankly, would get so tiring. The uranium also just ain’t safe honey.

64. Maggie
She’s worse than Adam for actively designing him, but at least she’s human. She just happens to be an evil, cowardly, manipulative bitch of a human. With two incomes though!

63. Caleb
Misogynistic, serial killer asshole. Extremism isn’t cool! Get a hobby!

62. Luke
A big bad that’s defeated by a sixteen year old pulling the same trick that Max pulls in Hocus Pocus? Embarrassing.

61. The Mayor
The older I get, the more unsettled I am by the Mayor’s creepy, chirpy, campy persona. He’s a hundreds year old master manipulator! Ignoring all that – can you imagine kissing him with that Gavrok-spider breathe? No thanks!!

60. Snyder
A power hungry little man, that you’d get bored of one second before he even started talking.

59. Quentin Travers
For someone who’s at the head of a pretty cool organisation, Quentin has such a DRY personality – though I do respect that he frequently scams trips to California to give information he easily could share over the phone from England.

58. Kathy Newman
Though I stand by (and would actively support) playing Cher’s Believe on repeat for hours at a time, I just couldn’t get past the toenails. Also, what is the point of demon disguising themselves as a human for the one purpose of being to attend college? The girl’s 3000 years old, what can eighteen year old humans do for you at that point?

(is this anti demons in education?)

57. Willy
Snitches do not get bitches (i.e. me).

56. The First Slayer
The original slayer (also known as Sineya) is cool, but what could you even talk about?

Her: I have no speech. No name. I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute… Alone.

Me: … Do you want a cup of tea?


55. Lyle Gorch
I know he’s a murderer blah blah blah, but the dude married the cutest vampire named Candy and then just opted out of the fight to instead leave Sunnydale forever.

54. Jonathon
I am horrified to reveal that I am a whole ten inches taller than Jonathan. Our wedding photos would look like Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson.

Also he’s just too much in the grey area of morality for me to be okay with.

53. Ethan Rayne
He’s a bad guy through and through: but he knows how to cause chaos in style. A COSTUME store?! Selling CANDY?! Turning your bestie into a demon for LAUGHS?! It’s so camp, I love him for it.

52. Principal Flutie
If he lets me cuddle Herbert the pig, he’s got himself a date.

51. Joyce
Joyce is the best character on this show, and the best television mother of all time. And that’s the exact reason she’s no higher in this ranking: she’s basically my mother. Let’s not get weird.

50. Shannon
All there is to know about Shannon is that she was injured, but got back up again to go into literal war and survived. So… points?

49. ChaoAhn
I know everyone was pretty overwhelmed, but there were way better ways to deal with that language barrier and Chao-Ahn just got on with it – I’d download duolingo for her.

48. Forrest
Even if he is gorgeous, he is an anti-Buffy slutshamer, and I am not here for that in the slightest. I might make out with him a party then never look at him again.

47. Chanterelle/ Lily/ Anne
She’s very sweet, but I couldn’t condone spending the only money I had on huge obnoxious tattoos instead of food.

46. Parker Abrams
Despite the floppy, Aaron Samuels hair and the charming personality, I like to think I’d be able to see right through his fuckboy persona, string him along, then ghost him and crush his spirit every time he saw me across campus.

45. Molly
Unforgivable accent. NEXT.

44. Veruca
This girl is the most obvious lip syncer I have ever laid eyes on, and she’s literally feral. 5/10, might be cool for a wild nightclub fling.

43. Chloe
This little cutie loved Winnie the Pooh so much that the literal first evil used it as a final punch to all her friends after killing her. That’s adorable.

42. Amanda
This unassuming queen stood up to her bully by jumping him in the car parking lot and slamming his face into the pavement: I’d want someone like that on my team. I do see her as too much of a child to date; but we’d have great fun playing Dungeons & Dragons together.

41. Amy
I’m not saying you can “fix” anyone, but if Amy & I had dated from season one she would have turned out fine. I’d bake her brownies and encourage a healthier interest in magic and hey, there may never have been those rat years.

40. Dark Willow
Look – she’s just not here to care about others. And that’s okay for her, but not for me. She’s also clearly in love with someone else.

39. Caridad
I think Caridad is potentially the ‘girliest’ of all the potentials, and I love her for it! If you’re going to get blown up, trained, taken into war, and then dreamt about by Xander Harris then why not be cute at the same time?

38. Larry
Larry only becomes decent when he comes out and stops over compensating for his fragile masculinity, so it wouldn’t work between us. Love the character arc though!!

Also he’s in Hocus Pocus so we’d 100% get on.

why do I keep referencing Hocus Pocus

37. Percy
Percy is an arrogant, big headed guy on the surface, but he has shown a sweeter, smarter, more understanding nature too. But, until he matures of his own accord, I don’t have the time to coax it out of him. A partner isn’t here to facilitate your self growth!!

36. Graham
I swear this guy has like five lines in the entire show, but everything he does do shows his head and heart are in the right place – if Forrest is the devil on Riley’s shoulder, then Graham’s the angel on the other side. I’d hope that being his girlfriend would open up this whole silly side to him, but otherwise he’s just a bit bland. I STAN him though.

35. Halfrek
She just seems like so much fun! We’d have coffee dates then seek vengeance on men. What more could a girl possibly want?

34. Drusilla
While the doll tea parties and nail painting sessions would be fun for an evening, if this woman is willing to cheat on Spike (who loves, adores and cares for her) then that’s a big fat NO from me!

33. Olivia:
Olivia is certifiably the coolest character on this show, and though she only appears in three episodes they are three banging episodes: The Freshman, Hush and Restless. There is no good reason why she shouldn’t have been a more major character (let’s not sidetrack), but in terms of dating her, I feel she’s too much Giles’ on/ off thing and therefore I could only dream of her.

32. Wesley
For this, I am purposely judging Wesley for his character in Buffy alone, because how he develops in Angel would but him somewhere totally different. Buffy Wesley would worship the ground I walk on & I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a thrill in the thought of sneakily making out with him in the stacks of the library. But, he is a bit noncey.

31. Scott Hope
Scott was always a very sweet guy on screen and then it’s like the writers made the other characters let us know how bad he got after so we didn’t feel bad for him when Buffy called it off, so I’m not sure I totally buy it. Even though he later came out offscreen, as a high school boyfriend who had things to learn about himself he’d give me jewellery and cute little hugs and I can’t be mad at that at all.

30. Devon
Could dating Mr. I’m-the-lead-singer-I’m-so-great-I-don’t-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call work? If he can’t make time for Queen Cordelia Chase, he can’t make time for me. I’d do it anyway, because I can’t tell you how much I would LOVE saying I’d dated the lead singer of Dingoes Ate My Baby.

29. Harmony
I would literally dye my hair just so she could call me Blondie Bear.

28. Giles
This is SO CONFLICTING because I was raised in a way that almost had me believe Rupert Giles was my Dad. But can I deny that he is too sexy for his own good?

Absolutely not.

No further comment.

27. Kennedy
One of my biggest hot takes of all of Buffy – Kennedy isn’t that bad: she’s just not Tara. The thing that makes her most off-putting to many is how self aware and comfortable in herself she is, which is actually very admirable. She just doesn’t know how to find the happy medium in not damaging other people by expressing that.

Character analysis done: will I ever forgive her for being on the forefront of pushing Buffy out of her own home? No. Never.

26. Rona
Look: I get Rona. She gets thrown into this mad, intense world out of nowhere and doesn’t know how to process it. While she’s cool for the most part, she says “Ding, dong. The witch is dead” when again, Buffy is kicked out of her own home (!!!) and if she isn’t willing to repent for that then it will never work between us.

25. Dawn
People rip into Dawn all the time; but give the girl a break!! She’s a teenage girl, yep, but then throw in the aforementioned deadbeat dad; a superhero for an older sister; her mother and sister dying within the space of a year; followed by more trusted friends dying or abandoning her, as well as you know, the whole literally being fabricated by monks thing & you have to give her credit just for getting out of bed in the morning. My point is: I actually care about her so lay off, and date her. She might steal you some pretty stuff?

24. Katrina
Deserved better. She’s a smart engineer who has the misfortune of knowing the Worst Man Ever to be Born™ and she’s never anything but strong, resolute and knowing of her worth.

23. Darla
She’s pretty evil, but she does it in a sassy kind of bad girl way and I can’t deny that’s cool. The Darla that really hooked me though is flashback Darla in her rococo get up – am I more in love with her or the dress? I’m willing to go on a few dates and find out.

22. Nikki Wood
Do I want this seventies era slayer to date me or kill me? Her choice, either way I’d be honoured.

21. Kendra
Yet another person on this list who deserves so much better. Do I actually want to date her, or do I just want to care for her like she deserves? I will ply her with cuddly animals and buy her a whole wardrobe so she has more than one shirt (oh my god). She is just so SWEET and to date her would be the lesbian dream, I just know it.

20. Jesse
It’s hard to judge Jesse with my ‘two episode’ requirement, as he spends most of the second episode as a vampire… but I like the guy. He’s cute, nervous and quirky. He also actually tries to flirt with Cordelia which takes GUTS, and I KNOW ever Cordelia can admire him for that.

Sidenote: writing this post also lead me to discovering that an original plotline for the season seven episode ‘Conversationswith Dead People’ involved the First taking Jesse’s form to taunt Xander, and the scenes were only scrapped at the last minute because Eric Balfour was not available. Can you imagine how full circle, gut wrenching that would have been?

19. Oz
Oz. My love. My sweet, sweet love. If I said I was too tall to date Jonathan (which I did), then I am therefore too tall for you. Though I would love to sit front row at your show, drive around in your van and paint each other’s nails; I also know that my personality is too extreme for you, and not in a sweet yin and yang way. We’re better off as friends.

18. William Pratt
This man is the very definition of ahead of his time: flowing hair, little glasses and writes poetry for his love? In 2021 William Pratt would own a bookstore or coffee shop, and every one of his customers would fall in love with him.

17. Jenny Calendar
There is no way a woman who identifies as a technopagen would ever be interested in me, or why I think there is any way I would even be able to string a sentence together in her presence.

16. Vampire Willow
She would 100% kill me, but it could be fun before then?? Don’t tell my therapist I said this.

15. Vi
Always and forever my favourite potential slayer. She’s so cute and quirky, and has an insane amount of character development in just one season, standing out in a sea of a literal army of young women. If we dated she would let me wear her little crocheted beanies and teach me how to fight – I’d be in love within a minute.

14. Ben/ Glory
I struggled for a long while about whether or not to lump these two together and have settled on doing so, because there’s no other way around it. It wouldn’t be an easy relationship, but the highs would be high (Ben Ben Ben Ben Ben) and the lows would be low (Glory is fabulous, but she’s a diva and a literal God). Ben would be very giving, Glory would be very demanding – I’d give it a go to see if it was a relationship worth having.

( this is me talking with my head: my heart says it’s 100% worth it please date me Ben and Glory we can go shopping and also date and have fun and Ben Ben Ben Ben)

13. Riley Finn
I think the assessment Riley makes of Buffy and confesses to Xander is dead on: and it’s very mature of him. He’s fit, loving and willing to grow and evolve – with someone who can be compassionate and forward thinking about his struggles, it could be great! Pick me up at 8, I guess?

12. Owen
Owen is the one that got away in the entire Buffy series. I can’t find it within their 232 posts, but buffytheoutfitslayer on Instagram (who is a MUST follow), went on a whole rant about how Owen is the perfect, accepting, loving boyfriend for Buffy, she just wasn’t ready to welcome someone into the slaying life like that yet.


11. Willow
For someone so good natured and loyal, Willow can be alarmingly judgemental far beyond what is reasonable. Her treatment of Cordelia and Anya in the earlier seasons really grate me, and then she crosses too many lines with Tara – she has actually hurt, betrayed or endangered every person close to her, and continues to do so well into the series. It’s clear she has good intentions, she just doesn’t take that extra second to think about how her actions affect others and that’s why we all need from a partner.

Willow just has some more learning to do before she’s fully dateable: season seven showed had her closest to that, so give her time and she’s perfect.

10. Andrew
Outside of the main cast, Andrew is my favourite Buffy character: he climbs himself out of a bad set of circumstances, changes his beliefs and dedicates himself to fighting for what’s right, all with a sassy, stupid sense of humour and campness. And he decides to sit down a vlog the build up to the apocoplyse. Is that me or???

He would be my number one, but as he is very gay he’s bumped down a bit and we’ll just be friends.

9. Anya
Anya is SO much fun, and I honestly don’t think the Scooby gang give her half as much credit as she deserves. While I would adore her energy, wit and all around style, she can be a little much – though I think if you loved Anya for her curiosity, then life with her could be so much fun.

She’s also more than willing to commit (hello, renounced a demon lifestyle for high school Xander Harris), provides much needed sarcasm and how FUN would it be to dye your hair together that often? Super cute!!

8. Tara
Imagine a little cottagecore life with wiccan Tara and your very own Miss Kitty Fantastico? She’s truly so sweet, and Willow just didn’t do her justice in the long term. I will treat her to a happy life away from all the responsibilities of being in the slayer’s inner circle and we will rock matching zig-zag partings every day, and do spells every evening.

7. Xander
I love later seasons Xander, and the amount of emotional growth he has. While in many ways he is a Typical Man, I am unfortunately attracted to men and am therefore versed in dating his kind and understanding what’s general ignorance and what’s malice. I think Xander does an awful lot of growing up over the course of Buffy, especially in the latter seasons, and by season seven proves himself to be a very intelligent, loving, reliable person who still has the wit, charm and goofiness we know and love him for.

He’s also the most practical person to date across the whole show: he’s quote on quote ‘normal’, and has a good job if you’re looking for a provider. He’s fix your broken windows for free; he’ll drive your kids to school; and he’ll throw in a beautiful speech or too when times are tough.

Whether it’s the familiarity, loyalty or my innate ability to read a person’s true intentions and motivations and understand them regardless of it to blame, I know I would date mature, adult Xander, and probably for a very long time.

6. Angel
Look. I know, it’s Angel. It may be shocking to have him not even break the top five, but in all honesty I’m depressed enough on my own and couldn’t take his broodiness. While I would lap up that undying adoration he’d give me, the constant fear of him having that one moment of happiness would be too much a shitter in real life, and you can’t deny that.

What I’ll have with Angel is an on/ off casual thing: like whenever we are by chance in the same area we’ll go for drinks, have a wild night together, and maybe I’d get a nice leather jacket out of it. But in terms of commitment, it’s just not going to work out.

It SUCKS but it’s TRUE ok – face it!!

5. Robin Wood

Excuse me Lord but how on each does anyone in the revamped Sunnydale High get anything done when this man is their principal?

We do not talk about Principal Wood nearly as much as we should, because the guy’s the full package: he’s intelligent, cares about kids, has a good career, is a great fighter, witty, charming, imaginative, looks great in a suit…. the list goes on. Yes, he goes on a little vengeance mission against someone I’ve clearly ranked higher than him in this list, but he did it for his Mum which shows he’s very family oriented!!?

4. Faith

Its everyone’s favourite bad girl!

We can’t not address Faith’s very troubled past but it is a FACT that if someone believed in and supported her from the start, she would have been a hundred times better off. Despite her errors, she actively seeks out a road to recovery and sticks with it no matter how hard it gets, then spends the rest of her days bending over backwards to fiercely protect those she cares about.

Faith is actually a very vulnerable, insecure person who masks it all a) with this bad ass, smart talking attitude and b) by pouring all of her love and energy into others. Literally!! Does anyone give her credit for it? No! Would I? YES. And would Faith flourish for it? HELL YES.

What I’m saying is… if you have a little faith in Faith, then you’ll reap the rewards.

3. Spike

There is a lot of debate that goes on around Spike’s character and his actions. For the sake of keeping this post on track, I won’t get into it too much: but I will say that this is a fictional character who lacks a soul and therefore any morals or emotional consequence for his actions (something we cannot apply real life to), who grows such an affection for Buffy that he knows he isn’t handling safely that he goes out on a literal pilgrimage to be the first vampire ever to willingly receive a soul. He does this all NOT for Buffy – but to better HIMSELF, for the sake of all those around him, including Buffy.

This is not in any way excusing or condone any previous actions.

Spike’s character is one of the greatest, unintentional character arcs in television history. He was infatuated with Drusilla from the very start long before he had any soul, and devoted his Big Bad Evil Plan™ to getting his girlfriend strong again? That’s what you want in a partner (maybe without the evil).

Spike’s eventual characterisation is summed up beautifully in season seven’s Touched, in a now infamous speech:

You listen to me. I’ve been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I’ve seen things you couldn’t imagine, and done things I prefer you didn’t. I don’t exactly have a reputation for being a thinker. I follow my blood, which doesn’t exactly rush in the direction of my brain. So I make a lot of mistakes, a lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years, and there’s only one thing I’ve ever been sure of: you. Hey, look at me. I’m not asking you for anything. When I say, “I love you,” it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman. You’re the one, Buffy.

(I’ll link it as well so we can all have a moment).

Spike is so loving, devoted and infatuated when he’s with someone. He learns to understand their individual needs, and with a soul even makes peace with him not necessarily being one of those needs.

You also cannot change my mind that he’s the one that painted Drusilla’s nails on the regular.

2. Buffy

I know – controversy! The titular character isn’t number one! Please hear me out!

The entire premise of the show is to have Buffy be both fiercely strong, and fiercely girly simultaneously without either hindering the other. In fact, each strengthens the other: and this is what makes her the full package for girlfriend material. She would go shopping for cute outfits for you, then beat up the cashier who looked at you creepily. You know?

Dating Buffy would include:

  • Excellent puns and references always
  • Holding hands while stuck in books researching
  • Planning outfits together and checking her hair after patrol
  • Going overboard on “normal” traditions like prom, thanksgiving and other holidays
  • Sleepovers in cutesy pyjamas, cuddling Mr Gordo watching movies with popcorn
  • Ice skating and indulging her in her non-slayer passions
  • Her teaching you self defence and fighting moves
  • Whenever creepy guys approach you together, she’d make lighthearted but serious quips to shoo him away, then break his nose if he didn’t take the hint. In the same manner, you cannot tell me she wouldn’t have devastating comebacks to hate comments on social media.

Buffy deserves to be looked after when she has to spend so much of her time looking after everyone else. She is so overly supportive and forgiving of those she loves, understands their struggles and doesn’t fault them for it – she needs a lot of that in return. I feel SICK thinking about STRANGERS kicking her out of her OWN HOME!! I can’t get into it again, I’m still angry about it nearly two decades later.

The only downsides are that she does have this pretty big role to play, and it would be quite stressful worrying about her being in the field fighting the fight every single night. I would also dread to put any more emotional weight on someone who already has more than enough responsibility on their shoulders.

But the puns would be worth it. I would live.

  1. Cordelia

No character on this entire show is done dirtier than Miss Cordelia Chase. She is a certifiable icon in every sense of the word; and amongst her many qualities is her compassion, her sharpness and her ability to turn out head to toe looks on the daily.

Cordelia was created to be the ‘shallow’, ‘vain and ‘self-centered’ foil for Buffy, and was used in the series to create conflict for the other characters. BUT, think about it for a second, and for the most part that conflict is created by the other characters reacting to her negatively. In season one yes, she very much plays up to her “bitchy” caricature, but if you put a rich girl in with a group of horrible girls and tell her she’s a bitch then what do you expect? Cordelia overcomes that. and every other expectation people put on her.

Don’t forget, it’s under that ‘bitchy’ persona that she is able to call people out when they deserve it. She is very rarely rude to someone out of nowhere.

The thing I love about Cordelia is her ability to cut the bullshit, and see the bigger picture. Someone needs calling out, she calls them out; times are too real for sassy quips, she quits it and will happily drop everything to give you a ride home. She literally abdicates the high school throne and everything she knows to be with someone she feels is a real relationship. If she’s in, she’s all the way in! We need that from a partner.

There is so much we could discuss in regards to her relationship with Xander, but I’m only going to draw attention to two things:

  • Despite knowing that her boyfriend obsessed with Buffy, Cordelia does not once resent Buffy for it because she knows thats on Xander, not her. The emotional maturity is deafening!!
  • After Xander has the audacity to cheat on her (!!!!!!!) which inadvertently lands her in the hospital for a major injury (!!!!), she manages to form a new friendship with him built on a deeper understanding of each other.

Basically, our Queen C is the real deal. She’s so comfortable in her own self that she can give herself to those around her fully, with no resentment. She’s self aware, focused, giving, sassy, ever-evolving, and again, can I mention the outfits?

Also SO WHAT if she’s a diva? She’s reasonably so – it’s CORDELIA.

This has… killed me off.

If you’re mad at me for putting your bae low on my ranking, then chill out – that means you have first dibs. Know that I am visibly distressed at having put these characters I know and love against each other, and for having to vocalise their faults.

I could write literal essays exploring each and every one of these characters: in fact, I’m planning on it.

Special thanks to my sister for taking my emergency phone calls to discuss this; as well as to Jamie from When the Credits Roll for making sure I didn’t miss any characters and also being the sole target audience for this post (aside from me). This has been a blast.

Anyways. Go watch Buffy.



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